The Problem with Jurassic World

There are lots of things wrong with Jurassic World and I hope that I am not the only one to notice them. I might be the only one to be as frustrated by them but allow me to  the enlighten you with these frustrations and hopefully pass on some of that annoyance. jurassic park no time for napping

The only good thing was the dinosaurs right? For the sequel I want more dinos and less humans please. The humans were rubbish. The raptors were way more heroic than Chris Pratt, I mean what did he really do other than drive a car backwards and look sweaty and attractive at the same time?  jurassic park hero raptorLets have the raptors doing more human stuff, especially if it involves music …jurassic park raptor

or modes of transport.

Or dinosaurs harmonising in some way.jurassic park barber shop q

You know I have a problem with giant matches, but these two ignorant cry babies are not Macguver, they couldn’t fix a jeep that hasn’t moved for 12 years, yes they got a battery, but what about the flat tyres, the seized brakes and the evaporated fuel? jurassic park giant match

Some of the cgi looks truly terrible and reminds us that the dinos from Jurassic Park still look good (that’s because they spent the money on decent puppets not protein shakes for Chris Pratt).jurassic park bad effects

The Indominus Rex really hated fire. We are told this dino is white in colour, jurassic park fts

but the only time I saw it this colour was when it was made of Lego. jurassic lego.jpg

Did you think that the raptors took a lot of hits, like that would have killed it but you see another raptor in the next scene? Well I did the head count,  there are only 4 raptors and in addition to being hit by a truck a couple of times and some significant nibbles by the Indominus, there are 4 death blows, but there is still a raptor standing by the end. They got good genes Dr Wu.

 

Do yourself a favour Jurassic World and stop reminding us of the original. It got there first and was better, even the annoying kids were better.

 

The injustice of death. Movie villain death scenes have to be earned, you have to be Hans Gruber to have a slow-mo off the Nakatomi Plaza or the weasley lawyer guy, Burke from Alien getting a close encounter with the Xenomorph.

The bad guy here gets an amputation and a blood spurt.

This is justified for repeatedly calling the raptor a boy to her face. Never mind of the villainy he gets up to beforehand.

This is nothing compared to the poor girl just doing her job, that has such a epic, unjust death.Poor, poor Zara. She was just doing her job. CREED Premieres in LA

And lets face it as the PA to the managing director of a major theme park, child minding is not in her job description anyway.jurassic park just doing her job17But she does it, even when they get back from their adventure in the gyrosphere, she finds them again and updates her boss. jurassic park just doing her job8And she gets one of the most horrific deaths in JP history. Dragged into the air.jurassic park just doing her job9Dropped.jurassic park just doing her job10Grabbed by another pterodactyl.jurassic park just doing her job12Dropped again.jurassic park just doing her job11This time in the water, and pecked at by a whole flockjurassic park just doing her job14Before being thrown around again (and we know she is alive because we can hear her screams).jurassic park just doing her job15Then finally being eaten by the dino-croc. Ho-riffic.jurassic park just doing her job16

This here –  answering her phone for a private call during work hours, is the only thing she has done wrong. The only thing. And do those kids feel guilty at all? No they don’t.jurassic park just doing her job3

And there is this guy. Never has there been anyone more fat shamed than him. It is implyed that because he is fat, he must be a slow, lazy slob. Maybe he was being a good employee and working through lunch? Maybe there is no gym on Jurassic World? Maybe they turned up on his breaktime? Or maybe he is just slow, but that doesn’t mean he deserves to die does it?

Then there is Claire, hard working, logical thinker, powerful and good at her job. And what thanks does she get for it? Insubordinate employees, borderline sexual harassment, an idealist boss to contend with, running in heels and danger aversion. And what advise does her sister give? Have kids, er thanks but that wasn’t what I was asking.

 

She is the one being the hero, taking on the dinos, inc the trex single handed, she gets rewarded with a heroes kiss from Pratt and a dramatic dive, but no one else seems to notice that she is keeping it all together, least of all the dumb kids.

jurassic park just doing her job 18.png

The only other hard worker is the triceratops and how are they rewarded? With flying lessons. Not fair.

 

I can confirm that the guy in the log, does make it out of there alive, he is waving at no one in the end scene.

This shot of the bad guy is only here so we can get the comparison with the trex at the end. My only question is how did the dino get up the fire escape?

 

Did I mention all the humans are rubbish. I really don’t care about your divorce, just show me the dinosaurs. Someone must have made a dino-only cut of Jurassic World by now surely?

The only thing I was bothered by was this scene, that boy would be scared for life, and very nearly a eunuch, but what a story it would be ‘I lost my testicles to the indominus rex’ Admit it, you’d pay to read that wouldn’t you?jurassic park i do k

 

And the product placement, about as subtle as Kim Kardashians Instragram.

Even everyones favourite margarita saver, product placement. Thats Jimmy Buffett.jurassic park pp7

And there is a bit at the end, when the dinosaurs and Chris Pratt give each other dude nods of respect. Seriously.

 

What do you think? I am the only one bothered by this?

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