Fifty Shades Darker – review

The sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey, picking up where the first one left off. Ana has ditched Christian Grey for some reason, but like all good stalkers who are handsome with plenty of money he stands a good chance of winning her back, and gets to protect her from all her other stalkers.

Ana is surrounded be people obsessed with her, no big deal.

But like any ambitious girl she pick the one who can swap the bus for an Audi and buy her nice things.

As much as she says she doesn’t care about the money, she is pretty upset when her car gets abused. 

But when you mum is Elizabeth Bennet you are going to make a good choice, right?

Fifty Shades Grey-er tries really hard to make everything sexy:

It is shocking that this film has an 18 certificate because of the sex scenes. They are very tame. If you compare them to the sex scenes featured in American Gods, they are very innocent. You remember the last X-Men movie, Apocalypse, when JLaw said I’ll be in your movie but I’m not being blue and naked, no sir. Well I think Jamie Dornan has a similar deal, I’ll be in your dumb movie but I’m not getting naked and showing my bum. Who would have thought that a character who is all so Kinky McSexyface would never take off their pants? Strange.

It is not just his trousers that stay on, it is possible he doesn’t wash either. He gets this no touch box drawn on him in lipstick

Then proceeds to do all this stuff and get dressed three times:

Then he gets in the shower and it is still on. What.

Not a lot happens storywise, Anastasia wastes a pint. 

A girl turns up with a gun, then goes away again, it is pretty lame. 

And a truly boring helicopter crash that is completely pointless, possibly a cut scene from Suicide Squad going cheap. 

The only positive thing you can say about Fifty Shades Darker is the same as the first. Dakota Johnson, her enthusiastic facial expressions (and willingness to get naked) are working really hard to sell the whole thing and without her this movie would be a lot worse.

Why does Christian Grey have a Chronicles Of Riddick poster on the wall of his childhood bedroom. Odd yes … but actually …

but actually …